2006-06-27T14:02:00.000+01:00

Read this first.

2005-10-24T07:47:00.000+01:00

I knock on the door!!!

I hear deep breathing before it is answered - I know very well who will open the door. In fact, he's probably been sitting patiently waiting all day, with his hair gelled into what he laughably thinks as a trendy fashion and that shirt that looks like it was made from a pair of caravan curtains.

I see him oh-so-subtly peeking through the curtains at my van. I am right!!! Thank God this is my last day at work.

I hear more deep breathing. He's probably masturbating again.

It is important to avoid a scene. Much as I loathe delivering vegetables to this pervert and would love to tell him what I really think of him on my last day, I just want to get out of here alive and not end up locked behind a bookcase or something.

He throws open the door wearing a grin that is both sad and sinister, still breathing hard.

"Hi!!!" he yelps, leaning against the doorframe like he's been on the cooking sherry since sun-up.

"Hello!" I reply. "Here you go."

I hand him his vegetable box which entails not making any physical contact with him, no matter how hard he tries to lunge towards me.

"Oooh they look good this week!" he enthuses, staring at my breasts.

"I'll see you later, then." I turn and step away, trying not to vomit.

"Hang on!!!" he shouts at me.

"What?" I ask, looking back and glancing at my watch, to check how many more seconds of my life I will have to spend with this nonce.

"Hullo!!!" - I am saved!!! It is Tall Tony, his ruggedly handsome neighbour, appearing from round the corner, and bounding into this conversational hell-hole like a miraculous mixture of Jesus and Lassie. I seize my moment and run for it.

"See ya then!" I wave from my van, my ordeal over.

He waves back morosely and stomps back inside the house. Probably to masturbate again.

Vegetable Delivery Lady